Snyder’s Soapbox: What your favorite dugout snack says about you

Welcome to Snyder’s Soapbox! Here, I pontificate about matters related to Major League Baseball on a weekly basis. Some of the topics will be pressing matters, some might seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and most will be somewhere in between. The good thing about this website is that it’s free, and you are allowed to click away. If you stay, you’ll get smarter, though. That’s a money-back guarantee. Let’s get to it.

Every once in a while, I notice that I’m becoming the “old man yells at clouds” guy I used to mock. One of the latest examples happened when I was in a grocery store and noticed the sunflower seed selection. 

I once claimed I would never say anything resembling “back in my day,” but I cannot resist the urge right now. 

Back in my day, we just lined our dugout with bags of original sunflower seeds. I still remember getting annoyed when Bar-B-Q and Ranch started to infiltrate our quarters. 

Have you seen the sunflower seed selection recently? 

Jalapeño, dill pickle, queso, buffalo, cheeseburger (seriously?!?), sour cream and onion, bacon mac & cheese (oh c’mon), Old Bay, chili lime, cinnamon churro (what is going on?!?!), lemon pepper, garlic parmesan, maple brown sugar (for real?) and, yes, I found a Taco Bell Taco Supreme flavored bag of sunflower seeds. 

I think my biggest annoyance here is that the flavors are overtaking the ritual of properly consuming sunflower seeds while playing baseball. 

You put a handful of seeds in your cheek and then, preferably while standing on defense, crack them open one by one and spit out the outer shell remnants. It’s a perfect system allowing an outfielder to stay quietly busy while also not taking up any headspace that would detract from staying in the game. 

You don’t need a flavor for that. It’s simple by design.

To be clear here, I do not blame the manufacturers. Not one iota. There’s obviously demand here from a plethora of misguided consumers. It would be foolish to ignore the demand and be left in the (flavored) dust of the competitors. 

I just want the consumer baseball players out there to be better. I’m a sunflower seed purist and if you need cinnamon churro flavors in order to consume the seeds while playing right field, just grab something else from the dugout. 

In that vein, what are the best/most acceptable dugout snacks? I’m not even sure snack is the correct word, because sometimes it’s just something upon which to chew for a bit. I’m speaking only of players here, not fans at the game and certainly not viewers at home.

Let’s quick hit a few and keep in mind we’re excluding drinks, which are obviously vital: 

Sunflower seeds – Plain/original only. Get outta here with your flavors. This is the top dog. If there were power rankings on this subject, seeds sit at the top.

Gum – Old faithful. I was never big on gum, but I get the allure and never fault the loyal gum chewers. This is even more basic and easy than seeds when it comes to keeping your jaw busy while still keeping your head in the game. 

Pumpkin seeds – I guess if you somehow don’t like sunflower seeds but like these. They are bigger and tougher to handle inside the mouth, but can work in a pinch. If you’re one of these weirdos who needs the artificial flavors, you can find them in pumpkin seeds, too. 

Peanuts – If a player is looking for something of actual substance during a game that is well short of a meal, peanuts work great. They pack a punch of protein and fit really well with baseball tradition. 

Cracker Jack – Absolutely not. That’s only in the song and in the song these are for fans, not players. Keep that sticky caramel stuff out of the dugout. 

Granola/protein bars – If it’s your thing, I see no issue here, so long as it’s quick and takes place in the dugout. We don’t need to see players hanging out in the field eating bars.

Fruit snacks – I suppose in Little League and younger this is OK. Once you hit age 12 or so, be done with these things. 

Actual fruit – It seems like a stretch, but I guess I could get on board with a quick banana in the dugout if a player feels the need to refuel. There was a funny moment years ago where Anthony Rizzo was passing out orange slices to his Cubs teammates in the dugout. Sure, why not? 

Popsicles – Yes, these can be very refreshing in the middle of a hot and humid summer day, but we are absolutely not dealing with this in a dugout unless it’s a group of 6 year olds. Once the players — and not the coaches or a tee — are pitching, ditch the popsicles until the parking lot or even until you get home. 

Candy – I believe there could be earnest arguments for a quick candy bar to give a jolt of energy if a player is too hungry during a game, but there are much better options. I’m a no during a game here. Save it until after. 

Jerky – Hey, it’s a lot of protein and can be housed in a pretty short window of time if needed. I guess I’ll allow it.

Uncrustables – These would be small peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without crust that were frozen and then thawed out. They seem to be incredibly popular among young athletes these days and what I just said with jerky goes here: These have protein and could be thrown down really quickly. I don’t want to be dealing with anything possibly sticky, but I won’t stand in the way here as long as it stays in the dugout. 

Cotton candy – You are a fool and immediately excommunicated from society if you try to eat cotton candy in a dugout. It’s bad enough to ever get it literally anywhere else. Whoever invented this crap stained the human race.